I recently witnessed the difficult natural death of an elderly family member. Although not his real name, I’ll refer to him as Stuart to protect his privacy. 

Stuart was age 89 and quite frail. His kidney function had been in decline for a long time. After several hospitalizations, we suspected his death was near. 

The hospital called my wife at about 8:00 am Thursday, indicating the immediate family should come in. We rushed to the hospital to be with Stuart along with the other immediate family members. This was the beginning of an agonizing and emotional death which stretched out over the following 42 hours. 

The doctor informed Stuart that he was ‘passing.’ This occurred before our arrival that day. Looking back, we wish we had been notified of this before Stuart slipped into unconsciousness, as we could have helped him cope with his ultimate diagnosis. Having another family member tell us later was unhelpful as we could no longer communicate with him. 

Stuart avoided end-of-life discussions, and we were always reluctant to discuss the topic. After he quickly slipped into unconsciousness a short time later, the opportunity to effectively communicate with him was gone. We sincerely regret not having the opportunity to help calm his fears. 

We wanted to ensure that Stuart would not die alone. We took turns at his bedside. Gradually, his breathing became very shallow and slow. The hospital provided us with information on what to expect. Still, we were not prepared for Stuart’s sudden awakening and agitated state, which took place several times before he died. Although we were told Stuart was not in pain, it was excruciating for us to witness, especially over such a long time. 

A natural death is somewhat unpredictable. Strong medications can understandably induce unconsciousness, but we were shocked when, after hours of being unconscious, he awoke agitated, with eyes open and moaning loudly. We tried our best to communicate and console him, but it was difficult.  

Looking back, we frequently ask ourselves what we could have done better. Although we’ll never know the reason for his agitated behaviour, we are deeply saddened that a loved one had such an emotional exit. It’s possible that Stuart wanted a natural death, but we didn’t know because he never talked about his goals of care and end-of-life choice. 

This natural death was much different than the MAID death I witnessed only a few months ago of another family member. That situation was peaceful and reassuring to watch. Both were uncomfortable, but it’s clear to me which was better. 

As a seasoned death doula, this is what I’ve learned. Accepting the fact that we will die and planning appropriately is best—open conversations with loved ones when minds are clear support greater family harmony, survivor resilience and acceptance of the inevitable. These courageous conversations often lead to the greatest gift of love. Truly being prepared. 

Greg Barnsdale is the author of ‘Do Not Ignore Your Mortality – Practical Advice From A Funeral & Financial Insider.’ He strongly advocates for the Death Positive Movement and is becoming a leading voice for positive change. Greg’s backstory and book can be found on his website. www.DoNotIgnoreYourMortality.com