In September 2016, Nova Scotia’s Douglas Henshaw became one of the first people to receive a medically assisted death in Canada. His wife, Sylvia — a Dying With Dignity Canada volunteer and member of our First Person Witness Council — reflects on four lessons she’s learned in the past three years.
On Tuesday, September 6, 2016, Douglas, my husband of 40 years, received a medically assisted death. For me, it was the beginning of a new life, one totally opposite to that which I had lived for the previous 10 years when I was his caregiver.
Sylvia's husband, Doug, in 2015.
Here are four of the challenges I faced:
1. Time is long
Something I had never imagined was that I would have more time than things to do. Yes, in the early days there was a swirl of activity — preparing for the funeral, making legal and financial arrangements, and responding to visitors and phone calls. Following that time, I kept busy rearranging and cleaning my apartment, and then rearranging again. There were so many choices available.
There were days when I finished my daily routine, including a walk, before 10 a.m. Looking after myself obviously wasn’t going to be a full-time job. Learning to do things just for me proved difficult. Through trial and error, I found what brought me peace, and even joy. For me, that was going to yoga classes and the gym, and reconnecting with friends. I still need some time in which to do nothing, but I no longer relive the past. Now, I look forward to each day and the joy and challenges it may bring.
2. Life is not the same
After Doug’s death, I thought I would return to the habits and activities we had shared in better times. But I was not comfortable being far from home, or going to events as a single person. My parameters had changed. I was no longer one half of Doug and Sylvia, no longer a wife, no longer a caregiver. I felt as though I was stepping back into a world that was only somewhat familiar, that I had missed much of what had taken place in those 10 years I spent as his caregiver.
Doug was ill when we moved into our apartment, and as his health declined quickly, there were very few happy memories, or feelings of joy in my home. To combat this, one year after his death I adopted two kittens, Robbie and Anais. They keep me active and involved, and ensure that at least once a day, I laugh out loud.
3. Insecurity and guilt may creep in
When Doug died, I told very few people, outside the family, that he had an assisted death. It was the early days of medical assistance in dying (MAID). I wanted to discuss, in person, his choice and his death with all five of our children, three of whom were living abroad. Following his funeral, I was prepared to talk about MAID, but no one asked me!
Six months later, I was asked by the Nova Scotia chapter of Dying With Dignity Canada to do a television interview. Although all the responses were positive, I was waiting for the accusations. I was uncomfortable in public, until I eventually realized that most people were actually in favour of this end-of-life option. Several friends asked me for information and for help when they reached the end of their lives.
But every time I heard “assisted suicide” or “I don’t know if I could do what you did to your husband,” I would cringe. Now, I use it as an opportunity to explain how MAID works. I talk about how difficult it can be to get approval. I point out that Doug chose MAID. All I did was support him. I couldn’t request it for him, nor could I stop him from choosing MAID. I decided that if I am guilty of supporting the wishes of my dying husband, so be it. I can live with that.
4. I have credibility
The final lesson I learned is that I am recognized for my experience with MAID, which is a challenge and responsibility I don’t take lightly. I still live in the small town where I grew up, where Doug and I both spent our careers. By consenting to television interviews, and by writing our story for the Dying With Dignity Canada blog, I have developed credibility among those hoping to have MAID available to them.
Since Doug’s death, I have helped four friends access MAID. I provide information both from our experience and from the DWDC website. I answer their questions, and I listen as they weigh the pros and cons of their decisions. I do whatever they need me to do to relieve some of the overwhelming stress and anxiety of assessments and approval. It is an honour to be given the trust of my friends at one of the most vulnerable times of their lives.
During these past three years, with the support of family and friends, I have grown. I have learned to fill the time, adapt to the changes, and refuse to feel guilty about being a MAID supporter — and I’ve accepted that I have the ability to help others who are facing their own death. And I am still learning.
Sylvia Henshaw is the Communications Officer for Dying With Dignity Canada’s First Person Witness Council (FPWC).
The FPWC consists of Canadians who have supported a loved one on a journey with assisted dying and want to speak out about their experiences. Members of the group will dispel myths and misconceptions about MAID, provide peer support to others who have had similar experiences, and work to break down the stigma that’s still sometimes associated with Canadians’ hard-won right to a peaceful death. To learn more about the FPWC, including how to join, please contact FPWC Chair Liana Brittain at [email protected].
Showing 27 reactions
You were an angel to be there for your loved one. I was there for my mothers death as were my two sisters and although tragic to lose her it also was an incredibly beautiful and spiritual time for us all.
It is the right thing to do when living becomes so awful and traumatic as we deal with so much daily pain and cannot help others or ourselves anymore.
thank you for opening you and your husbands experience with everyone.
Margaret Witney
I looked after my Mother.. She had many issues.. Heart failure, diabetes , kidney failure and also had strokes and Angina..
After watching her suffer and her telling me she was so sick of being sick!!
After watching her take her last breath and knowing she won’t suffer anymore….I said to husband and children I would never want to suffer like her.. It wasn’t fair for her nor was it for me.. So ,I support 100 percent assisted dying ..
Karen
He had prior knowledge of having an assisted death. When he felt the time had come, that there was just no more fight left to give, he made the decision to enter the hospital and “speed things up”.
It was a very comfortable setting in palliative care in Toronto. They gave me a cot, so that I could spend his final hours with him, and be there when he passed.
Having seen the process first hand, I know how important a person’s right to choose is.
In his own way, he chose to beat cancer, rather than have it beat him.
I hope that many others are able to do likewise. I fully support DWDC.
I am a 45 year retired RN who worked with a physician involved with MAID and had occasion at his request, and only if I was comfortable with it, to witness consent for a person who requested MAID. This, of course, was not a person in our practise, nor one that I knew personally.
I truly believe, just as we make all the decisions in the path our lives take that this final decision is our right.
What is concerning is that many find, due to failing health, either physical or mental that they are too late to be allowed to make this decision. Of course, one needs to be of sound and clear mind to express their wishes and the timeline is extremely important for this to happen.
Of course, your life will be different now and I hope you find comfort and happiness and, as the owner of 3 beautiful cats, myself, you will find solace in your new additions. Animals are amazingly sensitive and tuned in to our feelings and moods and provide much comfort and support for us. They will keep you entertained and supported in their own way.
Carol Taylor
Thank you for sharing your story.
We slowly move ahead in our society, but more needs to be done.
Hania , Thornbury ON