
Grief is a topic that is often overlooked or neglected, yet grief is an experience that impacts people in a…
May 28, 2021
Personal Stories | May 7, 2021 | Reva Nelson
Grief is a topic that is often overlooked or neglected, yet grief is an experience that impacts people in a myriad of ways. As part of our mission which aims to advocate, educate, and support, we have identified the need for public education surrounding the grief experience. Several storytellers have shared their lived experience with grief for our blog – this is Reva’s story.
I met Michael when I was 68 and he, 71. It was a delightful, ‘senior romance’ full of laughter, travel, and discovery. We had only 18 months together. During our time together, his cancer came back. I thought he would pull through and we would have a new future of at least five and maybe ten years. He was the love of my life, after years on my own.
Despite his cancer diagnosis, his death came as a shock. He died in the hospital, but he had been receiving radiation and we thought he would recover. Even the nurses were shocked. Immediately after he died. I was numb with shock. When it came to coping with my grief, I was quite isolated. I didn’t know anyone in the small town I had recently moved to, but I could walk to the lake each day. I’d sit on a log and cry. I have had loss in my life, in terms of the death of both parents, a friend and a sister-in-law. Michael’s death hit me the hardest because it was the loss of a future life together.
To make the experience more difficult, Michael’s ex-wife with whom he didn’t even speak ‘swooped’ in at the end and took over everything. I learned my grief was called ‘disenfranchised grief’ because he was separated, albeit formally, and for a year previously, but we were not married ourselves. That was difficult. We talked about marriage, but it wasn’t a formal announcement at the time. Anyone who said, “You’ll meet someone else” was not helpful. He was an exceptional person, and this was my ‘big’ love after years on my own.
Eventually I went to a bereavement group which helped a lot. One of my friends from Toronto came and stayed with me every weekend through the summer after he died. I also went to visit friends and I had one weekend at a friend’s cottage which was also a helpful escape. It has been five years now, and I finally wrote a book of poetry that has an entire section of my days going through his cancer’s return, the time in the hospital and the grieving that continued afterward.
Here are four poems from my collection.
And so, it is
That life surges ahead
Memories ebb and flow Pain lessens with miracles Of new life and adventures
Friends stand by
Four years, ten years, thirty years And more
Joy finds me
Like the lake waves
Coming and going, in and out And back again
All of us aging, aching, swapping stories
My men are the physio, the podiatrist, the doctor Yet I’m happy, content, finding new awe
The gifts of my son and daughter-in-law
Grandchildren
I barely did know
The innocent love they could bestow Swelling my heart beyond measure
Joy finds me
Pain lessened by miracles
Of seedlings and explorations
And so, it is
That life surges ahead
Why can’t my thoughts of you Disappear as easily
As the jar of grainy mustard From the fridge
Lost forever
Amidst the jams
Mayonnaise and hoisin sauce By unseeing eyes
It would have been perfect With the leftover turkey On the seeded roll I bought Especially for today
Instead
I have to make do
Without the grainy mustard
And you
It’s too much To ask
And nothing tastes the same As memory
I am here
And you are not
I am talking to people
And you are not
I am making new friends
And you are not
I am on two boards
And you are not
I am a gallery volunteer
And you are not
I am brushing my teeth now
And you are not
I am washing my face now
And you are not
I am going to bed now
And you are not
I am alive here
And you are not
Time is helping
I cry some, sob less
Read articles on grief
Pretend I’m not a mess
I invite friends here
For wine and cheese
Sob at their house
Take my leave
I join a bereavement group
At the funeral home
They grieve for spouses
Many years shared, they moan
I shouldn’t be here, I say
I’m not in your loop
You had decades together
Sharing houses and soup
He was my significant other
Of only months, not years
My senior boyfriend
Although no difference in tears
The lady beside me reaches
To touch my hand
Love is love, she says
Time doesn’t matter, it shifts like sand
She takes the moment
While wrapped in her grief
To caress my heart
Share comfort and relief
Reva Nelson’s poetry from Twister Branches – available at revanelson.ca and selected bookstores.
Grief is a topic that is often overlooked or neglected, yet grief is an experience that impacts people in a…
May 28, 2021
Grief is a topic that is often overlooked or neglected, yet grief is an experience that impacts people in a…
June 11, 2021
Grief is a topic that is often overlooked or neglected, yet grief is an experience that impacts people in a…
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