My mother was very clear about choosing a medically assisted death (MAID). She had long supported the principle, so when, at age ninety-five-and-a-half, her physical body made daily living more painful than possible, she chose to access MAID herself. That was the easy part: the application was submitted, the process got underway, and the decisions followed as the assessment unfolded. What was more difficult for Mum was telling her friends.  

“How do I tell my friends I am choosing MAID?” she asked me one day during the final weeks of her life.  

I suggested that I could draft an email on her behalf and send it to everyone she wanted to communicate with. She liked that idea, so, once she approved the text, I sent it to the list of names she generated.  

Point 1: Don’t do it alone   

The challenge — At the best of times, communicating can be a fraught process. When the topic involves death and dying, communicating with friends and family can be extraordinarily difficult. The sender can be unclear or misleading in their message or, worse, the sender loses their nerve and says nothing because they are unable to say what they really want to. Either way, the intended recipients are left in a muddle or, worse, caught by surprise when the loved one has died.  

The option — When communicating about a loved one’s MAID death, get help from someone to craft, deliver, respond to, and intercept messages on the person’s behalf. In my view, what matters at a time like this is that everyone relevant gets the news and has the chance to connect as they wish. It is less important that the message is sent by the person choosing MAID than that the important people know about the person’s situation.  

Point 2: Set the stage 

The challenge — As I was drafting this piece, I was pretty sure that that first message to friends included the specific and important detail that Mum was choosing MAID. However, as I looked through the emails (all saved), I realized that the message did not, in fact, state that. Instead, the message described Mum’s deteriorating health and well-being and invited the recipient to contact Mum for a visit by phone or in person. Ever stoic, my mother chose to tell her special friends and family members (overseas via phone) that she was choosing MAID. While I can no longer verify this with her, I believe that Mum must have felt confident enough to share the news about MAID herself once I had communicated on her behalf about her generally deteriorating state of health.  

The option — This approach is akin to ‘buffering bad news.’ It is easier for the recipient to accept bad (or sad) news when they have been forewarned, to a certain extent, that such news is coming. So, when Mum said during the course of the conversations that she was choosing MAID, the person hearing this, while maybe shocked, was receiving the news against the known background of Mum’s health challenges.  

Point 3: Don’t sugarcoat the core message  

The challenge — It is likely a challenge to tell a beloved friend or family member, “I am choosing MAID.” But I know Mum said this, straightforward and clear, to those whom she loved most. It was time, as she put it, “to leave this party,” and she was planning her exit. No one who loved my mother could have been surprised by her choice; after all, she was a shadow of her formerly formidable self, no longer able to see or hear well enough to participate fully in the world as she wanted. Everyone was sad to hear her news, but no one who truly knew her could have been either shocked or surprised.  

The option — If the person finds it too difficult to say, “I am choosing MAID,” delegate the task to a trusted friend or family member. In my view, those words — regardless of who says them — must be said to those who are most important to the person making the choice. The words and, thus, the decision, are unambiguous; everyone benefits from such clarity — in the moment and over the long term.  

Point 4: Don’t leave it too late  

The challenge — Leave no-one out who should be part of the final goodbyes. When death is approaching, it is important to say what needs saying.  

The option — It was about ten days between Mum applying for MAID and her request being approved. She chose to proceed about ten days thereafter, which gave enough time for her to have conversations with everyone she wanted to talk with, but not so much time that there wasn’t a useful sense of urgency to the planning and the talking. We had enough time to say everything we each wanted and needed to. I was able to tell my mother what she had given me over my lifetime and, as a result, what legacy she was leaving me. 

I am sad my mother is no longer alive, but I have no regrets. I held her hand as she died; she was not alone. I know she loved me, and I know that she knew that I loved her. That is a good way for a long, well-lived life to end.