April 16 is National Advance Care Planning Day.

“What if we promise to fill out our Advance Care Plans together as part of our wedding planning?” I asked one day in the late summer while sitting on our couch. After five years of being together, we finally had a date picked for our wedding the following Spring. “That’s a great idea,” my partner replied. 

We have been talking more about the concept of Advance Care Planning lately – not for ourselves – but actually for our senior cat, B, who is showing more signs of slowing down lately. A no-brainer, we thought, to prepare ourselves for the eventuality of these difficult conversations. It felt like a relief to know we could talk openly about our fears, beliefs, and wishes for her before an acute situation demanded we take quick action.  

 

I wonder why it felt so difficult to find time to sit down and fill out our own Advance Care Plans. I could immediately feel the relief when talking through plans for our dear feline companion, B, but something about the reflection required our own planning felt very scary and confronting. On a good day, I was shy to suggest we sit down and discuss the end of our lives lest I ruin the vibe. On a difficult day, I felt too unsteady to add more to our already full plates. I tried to ask myself any time I would push it off, “If not now, then when?” Before the wedding we said – well that is a year away, that’s half a year away, that’s in 3 months away… Oh. 

Finally, I felt the wedding close enough to be knocking on our door and, on a snowy Sunday, brought up the idea of filling out the Advance Care Planning Kits, the ones I’d gotten from Dying With Dignity Canada and that had been sitting on the shelf, just waiting to be filled out. I grabbed two pencils knowing it would take some of the pressure of permanence away from filling them out in dark ink.  

I was surprised to be surprised by some of my partners’ answers. In our confidence of preparing to spend the rest of our lives together we had somehow not accounted for how those lives might end. As we worked through the kit, we laughed, we cried, we took breaks – that all felt necessary given the weight of the exercise.  

When we got to the section which asked us to consider hypothetical medical scenarios, we paused again. “Am I answering for me today at 32 or am I picturing myself as I get older? I think my answers would change.” An important reflection and a harsh realization; when it comes to this life thing nothing is guaranteed: not your health, nor your aging. We decided together to fill out our Advance Care Planning kits for our present-day selves and their wishes, with a promise to revisit our kits each year in celebration of our wedding anniversary. Turns out it becomes a lot easier to support your person in sickness and in health when you have these conversations ahead of time, and often.  

I would like to express my gratitude to the volunteers and staff that developed our Advance Care Planning Kit and made this part of my wedding planning straightforward! 

If you want to download or request a copy of your own ACP kit visit our page here. If you would like to continue to empower DWDC to do this important work, please consider donating.