It Haunts Me to This Day

It haunts me to this day: the call of my Dad's desperate voice, " I'm still here?"

We had no idea why, with blood cancer, after weeks of refusing blood or plasma products, not a blood cell to his name, and life still hung on to his frail body.  And, now he was resenting the wait.  It had been almost 2 months since this last palliative admission to hospital.

It haunts me because of his reliance on me as his physician son, and his request to see Dr. Kevorkian. This was Windsor, October 1998 and the good doctor of medically assisted euthanasia was reported to be just across the border. While he made no bones about mentioning it, he was more reserved with others in my family. Their Christian beliefs would have been strained. Not so with me.

I think he knew I held very liberal views on medically assisted dying after years of torture watching my friends and lovers die of AIDS in the 1980s. In fact, I had my own stash of secobarb for the final act until 1996 when life saving HIV medication brought back myself and many other “Lazarus survivors”. How lucky am I to have lived. This allows me to treasure the hope in life that we have that should never be extinguished before its time. However, I still want choice in dying. I want access to medically assisted dying if circumstances are such that this is my informed, unceorced decision.

It took powerful sedation to quiet my Dad and deeper sedation to allow him to release his body to death. After hearing his cry that day I reassured him I would help him go to sleep and not wake up if he wished. I was able to negotiate deep palliative sedation with the team. And it was so...that team became our Angels.

However, this was still not necessary and it left scars on lives that need not be any longer. Our compassion needs to extend beyond palliative care to include medically assisted dying when needed and desired.

This is the next humane step for Canadians. Choice can still respect our diverse cultural, social, religious, health and personal beliefs and practices. We must end inhumane suffering at the end of life and find dignity in all death.

Greg Robinson, MD
DWD Member and Volunteer